Admitting your Goals

I’ve been back in Canada for just over 2 weeks, hanging out in Montreal with friends, and tomorrow I finally fly westward, returning home after 4 months away. As I pack my things and have a last Montreal patio hang, I’ve been thinking a lot about knowing what you want, and how to go about admitting it to yourself.

Yup, I’m not even talking about goal-setting: I’m talking about goal-admitting, friends. Admitting out-loud (to yourself) that you really want something. Not pursuing it, not setting a 5-step plan for getting it done, just admitting it.

You’d think it would be easy to admit what you want. Especially if it’s just privately in front of the mirror, or on a piece of paper. But boy oh boy, I have not found that to be the case. As I sit here contemplating this epic 4-month trip that is coming to an end (and what the future holds) I’ve realized that there are two types of fear that hold me back from admitting the things I really want. Maybe you can relate. They are called the Fear of Disappointing Others and the Fear of Disappointing Yourself.

The Fear of Disappointing Others

We all want to feel loved and belong, so it’s only natural that we have a fear of disappointing others. Often the people in our lives (both personal and professional) expect us to act in certain ways and do certain things. Sometimes they desire us to stay the same; other times they want us to change. Whatever their expectations (and it’s worth noting that often we assume the expectations of others, without ever asking!) I find that, in the moment, it’s so easy to acquiesce to whatever we think would make them happy. We justify it by saying that it’s to keep the peace — that we do it out of love or generosity — but I think we often do it out of fear: fear of what other people will think, fear of how it might change your connections to the people around you.

The Fear of Disappointing Yourself

Chasing the tail-end of disappointing others is a fear of disappointing ourselves. We want to like ourselves, to believe that we are cool and smart and have important things to contribute to the world. Once you admit you want something, you’re admitting to the possibility of two things: that you could succeed, or that you could fail.

Maybe this thing you want so badly is not possible for you, and actually trying (and then failing) will prove that you don’t “have what it takes”. Or maybe you do have what it takes, and the idea of succeeding actually terrifies you the most. Maybe either result takes you back to the first fear we discussed – the fear of disappointing others: what will they think if you fail? What will they think if you succeed? What will you think about yourself?

Either way, stating your desired goal out-loud is admitting to yourself that you want it and the inevitable next logical thought is towards action. And action means effort, and change, and dealing with the realities of both success and failure. Admitting you want something is the first step and, arguably, the hardest step because you’re taking something from a stand-still and pushing it into motion. You don’t have any momentum yet: you have to move your brain towards thinking something, forming a specific thought—a goal—and letting it hang in the air, fragile and exposed.

Useful thoughts

I have two thoughts and one question that I’ve found useful for looking at both of these types of fear, and finding the courage to admit (to myself and others) what I want.

Thought #1: People will be both disappointed and happy with you no matter what you do. Whether you admit your true goals and desires or not, there will be people who are disappointed in you, and people who will be pleased with you. Either way, you have no control over the thoughts and emotions of other humans.

Thought #2: Whether you succeed or fail, you can choose to like yourself, no matter the outcome. If one of the fears holding you back is self-disappointment, the thought that you can love yourself no matter what happens can be a powerfully freeing one. How many times have you cheered for the underdog? That could be yourself that you’re cheering for!

Question: If you knew you would BOLDLY succeed no matter what you did—and all the people in your life would be equally happy no matter what that success looked like—what goal would you admit to?

Happy goal-admitting, friends!