How to own the spotlight
A friend recently asked me (jokingly) for 10 tips on getting her groove back for a public performance. How do you overcome fear, and get up the nerve to put yourself centre-stage, for all to see?
The thing is, for most of my life I’ve struggled with a fear of being in the spotlight, of people looking at me in some sort of public forum and (this was the real root of the issue in my case) judging me. I struggled with this in so many different situations, I couldn’t list them all if I tried: any and all team sports; piano recitals; talking to strangers; having strangers talk to me (honestly, even having strangers look at me); being asked to do public math; being witnessed pushing a Pull door (the crushing weight of embarrassment heavier than the weight of that non-yielding door); shopping (I’m not sure why – I somehow wanted people to think that the food in my cupboard or the outfit on my body just materialized, unbidden?); and most definitely being alone on any kind of stage.
Yet (surprise!) I’ve somehow created a life for myself where I am often performing on stages, giving presentations, leading meetings, teaching classes, or (clearly) writing things in public. I swear to god that (in truth) I have not died of embarrassment, been crushed to half my height by the judgments of others, or lost all respect for myself. All of this, despite a myriad of failures!
You could call me a success story. *dusts shoulder with pride
Tips for conquering fear
As someone who has now spent years in the metaphorical (and literal) spotlight making friends with my fear of judgment (or if you prefer, fear of public embarrassment – same/same), here’s what’s been helpful for me:
Have a reason. Have a purpose that goes beyond you. A really good reason: a story that you’re SO excited to tell, a joke that needs to be shared, an insight or discovery or piece of art that you think has real value for someone out there in the world.
Before getting into that scary place (whatever that space is for you), repeat your reason from Step 1 out-loud to yourself. Write it down. Write it down again. Memorize your reason and hold it like a mantra.
Now, here’s the key bit: be scared, and do it anyways. It might not feel good. In fact, it will probably feel awful. This is okay.
As quickly as possible, find a way to get out there and do it again. It will still feel hella scary. Probably as bad as the first time, to be honest.
Do it again (still scary).
And again (v. scary).
And again (absurdly hard).
… and then do it another 10 times.
By the eleventh (or twentieth) time it might still feel scary, but the feeling you get afterwards (I’ve found) starts to shift. A tingle of accomplishment. Purpose. Pride. Delight. Maybe even euphoria.
At some point, this feeling of euphoria/purpose/pride/accomplishment starts to happen not just after the scary thing is over, but while you’re doing it.
Does the fear disappear? No, no, no. At least, it doesn’t for me. Especially at the beginning. I still feel scared, every time I hit “publish”, every time I create a piece of design work, every time I step into any kind of spotlight. It’s a sharp feeling: like a mingling of both the best and the worst that life has to offer, pressed-up against each other, impossible to separate, all happening at once.
It’s not comfortable but it sounds damn poetic, doesn’t it?
No one owns the spotlight, kid
Remember, ownership is an illusion (no one takes shit all beyond the grave: not houses, not spotlights, nuthin). More accurately, we have each been gifted moments in the spotlight. And I do believe we each have something unique to share, that will then be a gift to our audience.
If you think taking the spotlight when it’s your turn is selfish or self-aggrandizing, you couldn’t be more wrong. I think the opposite is true: not taking the spotlight is selfish, because it means you’re keeping that amazing gem—that thing you’ve been given to share with the world—to yourself.
And that’s the real terrifying bit, isn’t it? Deep down, you know you have something of value to share. And it’s scary as hell putting it out there. But I swear that it’s worth it (remember? Sharp feeling, mingling of both best and worst that life has to offer, see above).
Other things I tell myself to help overcome my fear of the spotlight, particularly for those times when I fall flat on my face:
Everyone falls on their face. Don’t be surprised when it happens: be ready for it.
Life is absurd, and so is this situation.
One day, I’ll be able to laugh about this.
Bad or good, this is going to make someone’s day.
Even if I fall flat on my face, I choose to like myself.
I am meant to be here: I am in the right place, at the right time, face on the right floor.
Nothing lasts forever.
I can handle failure.
The ground will catch me, every time.
